Not a Baby Anymore

"Where, Oh Where, has my sweet baby gone?
                                        Oh where, Oh where could she be?"

Okay, so I can't sing very well but I really want an answer to that question!  
I have been reminded over and over the last few days how fast these baby and toddler days fly by.

Recently I was going through photos and I noticed that just a few months ago Wee One had short baby hair, now she wears her hair in two pony tails that actually look like ponytails! 

Instead of just one word and pointing to let me know what she wants she puts together a few words and takes my hand to show me if she can't make me understand.

Last night Boyfriend took Wee One to the park-- just the two of them because Grammie needed a little break.  When they got back I asked Willow if she had fun.  I was amazed when she smiled at me, nodded her head yes, and told me "fun, swing!"   Yes, I cried.
  

Silly, I know, but it was just another sign that baby days have flown.

I have been mad at myself for not keeping better tabs on all of the exciting  firsts in Wee Ones life.    I won't continue making that mistake.

Every day with this sweet little one is a blessing and I don't want to forget a minute of it.  Thank you, God.

Winnie the Pooh

I know, I know.  I keep telling myself the same thing.  
It's just Winnie the Pooh... Why get so worked up about it?      Because it's Winnie the Pooh.... that's why.  

Willow and I have a nighttime routine.  
I run the bath water while  she runs around the bathroom naked tearing the towels off the shelf.   I give her her bath and float her around on her back while she makes fishy faces pretending she is a fish.  
When bath fun is over, she is dried and wrapped up in her butterfly towel and we sit on the edge of the tub while I dry her hair with the hairdryer and she brushes her eat.  Yes, I know, I said eat-- for some reason that is what she calls "teeth."  
It does make sense I guess--teeth...eat.  (Don't worry!  I am getting to the Pooh part!!) 

When we are done upstairs with bath and eat, we head down to where Papa has her jammies, socks and diaper waiting.  
We rub lotion all over, put a clean diaper on and then jammies.  Wee one runs around a bit, plays with everyone, and then I tell her it is night-night time.  
She walks around saying "bye" to everyone and blows them kisses.   
We head upstairs with blankies (one and two)  and bottle in hand, and cuddle up on my bed-- and this is where Pooh comes in. 

I usually let her pick her bedtime story and 90% of the time, yep, you guessed!  It's a Winnie the Pooh story.  

Willow will lie in my arms and listen as she drinks her bottle, following the story with her eyes until they begin to slowly close.  Soon her bottle is gone and the book is finished.  

She opens her eyes and usually makes goofy faces at me on our way to her bed.  This is so cute because she is barely awake, but feels the need to send me on my way with a smile!  We say our goodnight prayers during that little walk,  I kiss her Wee little forehead, place her in her crib and tell her to sleep like an angel and that Grammie loves her. 

You see, Pooh is ours.  Her BM asked if I would not take Willow to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie until she got out of treatment because she wanted to take her.  She hasn't put Willow to bed in 10 months, and she doesn't know any of what I shared with you about mine and Wee ones Pooh time.  
Nor has she ever read a Winnie the Pooh story to her.... 
so therefore, I ask you, am I silly being so worked up about this?  

It's okay-- Hit me with the truth.  I can take it.... well, maybe.

 "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." - Winnie the Pooh

Where are you God?

Willow's first time on the Merry-go-Round!

I am a Christian.   I have been for over 20 years.  I have asked God so many times in this journey where He was.  "Help me, God!  I am so overwhelmed with anger, pain, and fear...I can't see you, hear you, or feel you!"  Then He gently reminds me. 

Wee one looks at me with those big brown eyes, letting me know she feels safe and loved, as I rock her to sleep.  "Yes, God.  I see you."  Rolling around on the carpet, tickling wee one as she giggles and giggles.  "Okay, God...I hear you."  Outside, wee one puts up her hand and grabs my finger.   We walk together with the wind blowing through our hair, the sun shining on our faces, finger in hand, and there is peace.  "Yes, God.  I feel you."

When I am focused on myself, I can't see, hear, or feel God as I long to.  When I focus on the situation we are in, rather than living in the moment, I am lost, and continue to move in circles,   
                                                 going nowhere,   
because I can't see where I am going.  How is that fair to Willow?  How is that fair to the rest of my family?  It isn't. 

I will choose joy.  I will choose peace.  I will choose love.  

Unfortunately, I forget what the right choice is sometimes and start moving in those circles again, 

       round and round, guilt and anger, 

              round and round, fear and pain... until I am so 

                                                                               dizzy 

                                                                                 I fall down.  

That is when I reach my hands up and always find Him waiting for me. 

Ohhh, Momma

I love it when she says that.
It is usually when she is hurt or scared.  She looks up at me with those big brown eyes, and in her Wee little voice says, "Ohhh, Momma?"  as if she is asking if it is going to be okay.
My       heart       melts.  
Yes, Willow, it is going to be okay.  
                     I will make sure of it.  

It is getting easier when she calls me Momma.  
At first I had twinges of guilt every time she said it.  I am not her Momma- I am her Grandmother!  But that twinge is gone now.
  
I have always called myself Grammie when talking to her.  Everyone else does the same--- "Go give that to Grammie..."  
               yet she still calls me Momma.  
Wee one still calls her real Mother Momma, too.  Maybe to her it is just a name.  She hears her aunts and uncles call me Mom, so maybe she thinks that's just who I am-- Mom. 

I am sure that the day will come when she will look up at me with those same big eyes, and in her Wee little voice say, 
"Ohhhh, Grammie?"  and that will be okay, 
but for today, 
             I am Momma.