What would we be doing now?

I hate asking myself that question because I feel so guilty doing so.  but i do.  

There are nights when all of the older kids have gone out with their friends and Boyfriend and I are just sitting around watching Wee One play.  

Our youngest is 15 years old, 

                                 our oldest 23.  

Our children are out on the town, our friends are out on the town, 

                                                                                                                        and here we sit.

Don't get me wrong - we LOVE the time we  spend with Wee One, 
       it's just that, 
             well,     I wonder…

Would we be out having a fancy dinner, just the two of us, planning our next vacation?

Would we be out with some friends listening to some great jazz band we've wanted to see?

Would we be taking a romantic walk under the stars, reminiscing about where we've been and dreaming about where we want to be?

You see, we've done our time.  We were (and still are!) great parents.  Our lives revolved around our kids-(I know you are thinking, well, that was dumb! It's not healthy for a relationship to have your focus be your children!)
                  but when you raise 7 kids…some with special needs…
then you can tell me   
           HOW TO NOT 
have your life revolve around your children.

  

Sometimes we had up to 10 soccer practices a week to transport to and from, 5 games a weekend, 
    and really, can you even imagine tournaments??  
I literally had to map out who went where when and make sure boyfriend and I each had a copy of the list so we could drop off, pick up, drop off again… and hopefully remember to pick up our little athletes!  
                      It was wonderful.  Seriously.  
We loved living the life we lived, with just a few exceptions. 

Add in other after school activities, church, youth group, and such to the mix and our lives were beyond full.  We would often joke about the time when our kids would be grown and you would still be able to find us at the sidelines of the local soccer field,            cheering on the the kids. 

Our dreams for when our kids got older weren't large, 
                                                        they were just peaceful.  
A few trips here and there, being able to cook a nice meal together while sipping a glass of wine (stopping to slow dance when our favorite songs came on), 
being able to give more of our time and energy volunteering 
in our community and church.  

          simple.  lovely.  nice.

Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we have embraced it.  We will still have our trips, we will just be bringing along a toddler (WHAT A LUCKY KID!!),
we will still cook our meals and 
       dance our dances, but we will have a wee one dancing with us.
Our time volunteering will include an extra little helper… learning to give even at this wee young age.  What a great way for a kid to grow up…. Don't you think?  

And as for me wondering what we would be doing right now?  
Well, I'll just keep reminding myself that we are doing exactly what we would be…just with three of us instead of two.

Please don't look at me that way.

I guess I have always been a pretty open minded person.
  
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of being judgmental, "holier than thou", and moments when I should be tugging at the log in my own eye instead of pointing out the twig in theirs.  
But I have been through a lot in my life and I know that on days when I am not at my best because of some trauma (or drama??) or pain that has presented itself, I appreciate the grace that the smile a person I have been crabby with gives.  

Since my kids were little, when they would complain to me about how mean a teacher had been, or how rude a friend was being, 
I would say, 
                      "Well, maybe their dog died." 

Now you may be asking yourself, why would she say that?  
Let me put it simply for you....
                            Life is hard, and life just happens.  
Yep.  That's all I have for you, but it pretty much sums it up, right?

You never know if that lady that cuts in front of you in line at the store is just distracted because she recently found out she was losing her job, 

or the person that loses their temper with you over something that seems silly has a husband that was just diagnosed with cancer, 

or the teacher that is being short tempered has just had to put her dog to sleep after 15 years...  you just never know.  
                           Life is hard, and life just happens....to all of us.  

I need this grace more than anyone.

             
I am often wrapped up in my own little world, worried and and overwhelmed, just trying to make it through the day.  
I may not notice that I cut in front of you--  I'm sorry.  

I may not even notice you at all.  
                                        I am sorry. 

          
My head is busy trying to rationalize what my heart is feeling, and sometimes that takes all I have.

This is not an excuse for rude people, what it is 
              is an excuse for people that don't mean to be rude.  
We all have our moments, so please, smile at the man that frowns at you, pray for that teacher that has been losing her temper, and try to remember...

                I don't mean to be rude- It's just that  life is hard, and sometimes it just happens.  

---

Willow's Journey

I could kick myself for not keeping a baby book for Willow....(I won't, because I am against violence, but I do deserve a good kick!)

I thought about it often, but every time the thought crossed my mind, guilt and sadness overwhelmed my being. 

"I am not the one that should be keeping a baby book, filling in all of the precious firsts that take place in Wee ones life..."  is what I kept telling myself.  Truth is, I was the one that has been blessed to see all of those precious moments that Moms treasure. 

Willow's  first time rolling over, sitting up, her first tooth, crawling and then walking...the  dancing and singing.  Do I remember it all?  Yes, I was there for all of it! but I wish i would have documented it all for her to read about when she is older.

I am going to make up for it!  Right here, right NOW I am going to record all of the wonderful things that happen on Wee Willow's Journey and share it with you! 

Now, since I am behind I most likely will be sharing some exciting "firsts" from her past as well.  Why not?  I can share whatever I want here... It is my blog, right? (And I'm sure there will be lots of photos thrown in just for fun!)

Not a Baby Anymore

"Where, Oh Where, has my sweet baby gone?
                                        Oh where, Oh where could she be?"

Okay, so I can't sing very well but I really want an answer to that question!  
I have been reminded over and over the last few days how fast these baby and toddler days fly by.

Recently I was going through photos and I noticed that just a few months ago Wee One had short baby hair, now she wears her hair in two pony tails that actually look like ponytails! 

Instead of just one word and pointing to let me know what she wants she puts together a few words and takes my hand to show me if she can't make me understand.

Last night Boyfriend took Wee One to the park-- just the two of them because Grammie needed a little break.  When they got back I asked Willow if she had fun.  I was amazed when she smiled at me, nodded her head yes, and told me "fun, swing!"   Yes, I cried.
  

Silly, I know, but it was just another sign that baby days have flown.

I have been mad at myself for not keeping better tabs on all of the exciting  firsts in Wee Ones life.    I won't continue making that mistake.

Every day with this sweet little one is a blessing and I don't want to forget a minute of it.  Thank you, God.

Where are you God?

Willow's first time on the Merry-go-Round!

I am a Christian.   I have been for over 20 years.  I have asked God so many times in this journey where He was.  "Help me, God!  I am so overwhelmed with anger, pain, and fear...I can't see you, hear you, or feel you!"  Then He gently reminds me. 

Wee one looks at me with those big brown eyes, letting me know she feels safe and loved, as I rock her to sleep.  "Yes, God.  I see you."  Rolling around on the carpet, tickling wee one as she giggles and giggles.  "Okay, God...I hear you."  Outside, wee one puts up her hand and grabs my finger.   We walk together with the wind blowing through our hair, the sun shining on our faces, finger in hand, and there is peace.  "Yes, God.  I feel you."

When I am focused on myself, I can't see, hear, or feel God as I long to.  When I focus on the situation we are in, rather than living in the moment, I am lost, and continue to move in circles,   
                                                 going nowhere,   
because I can't see where I am going.  How is that fair to Willow?  How is that fair to the rest of my family?  It isn't. 

I will choose joy.  I will choose peace.  I will choose love.  

Unfortunately, I forget what the right choice is sometimes and start moving in those circles again, 

       round and round, guilt and anger, 

              round and round, fear and pain... until I am so 

                                                                               dizzy 

                                                                                 I fall down.  

That is when I reach my hands up and always find Him waiting for me. 

Ohhh, Momma

I love it when she says that.
It is usually when she is hurt or scared.  She looks up at me with those big brown eyes, and in her Wee little voice says, "Ohhh, Momma?"  as if she is asking if it is going to be okay.
My       heart       melts.  
Yes, Willow, it is going to be okay.  
                     I will make sure of it.  

It is getting easier when she calls me Momma.  
At first I had twinges of guilt every time she said it.  I am not her Momma- I am her Grandmother!  But that twinge is gone now.
  
I have always called myself Grammie when talking to her.  Everyone else does the same--- "Go give that to Grammie..."  
               yet she still calls me Momma.  
Wee one still calls her real Mother Momma, too.  Maybe to her it is just a name.  She hears her aunts and uncles call me Mom, so maybe she thinks that's just who I am-- Mom. 

I am sure that the day will come when she will look up at me with those same big eyes, and in her Wee little voice say, 
"Ohhhh, Grammie?"  and that will be okay, 
but for today, 
             I am Momma.