I have really struggled with the personal line I have had to draw with my daughter in order to take myself to a healthier place.
The last 5 1/2 years with her have taken me through every possible emotion a person can have,
from guilt and sadness,
to anger and resentment.
I was not only mentally exhausted, but physically and psychologically spent.
I couldn't sleep at night because I was either up worrying about her or I was up "dealing" with her and whatever situation she had gotten herself into.
Even when I would finally fall asleep, my last thought would be of her and as soon as my eyes started to open, my first thoughts...of her.
All of this not only took it's toll on me, but on my family.
You know that old saying,
"If Momma aint happy, aint nobody happy?"
Well, it's true.
Not only did my family have to deal with everything my daughter brought to the table, but they had to deal with me as well. I fell into a depression.
My body ached, my head hurt, and my heart was broken.
When I look back now I can see that I was grieving.
I had dealt with the loss of my late husband of 14 years, so I was no stranger to grief. I just didn't realize it when I was in the middle of it with HB.
You see, I was grieving the loss of my baby girl.
Not only once, but over
and over.
Every time she showed up with bruises all over her body, hand prints on her neck...every time she disappeared for days at a time, I grieved.
Every time she stole from us or lied to us,
every time I saw her making positive choices and then sabotage herself, I grieved.
Hope, then disappointment.... over and over again.
The fact that she was so young when all of this started made a huge impact in how we handled things. You can't turn your back on a 14 year old. You do everything you can to help them until you realize there is nothing else you can do-- That they are old enough to make their own choices.
There was a moment for me when I realized that I had hit that spot. I had nothing left to give- Physically, emotionally, mentally and financially I was empty.
Every time we did something for HB, hoping that it would help take her forward, she only continued to move backward.
(Lesson learned after way too many "somethings!")
I wasn't even able to listen to her anymore.
Every time she opened her mouth I expected a lie to come out.
I couldn't look at her, either.
Every time I had to be in the same room with her, I felt sick to my stomach. The emotions that welled up inside of me were so intense, so overwhelming that I actually got
physically ill.
And then to top it all off, I felt guilty because i actually felt like this around my own daughter.
The only way I could survive was to detach.
Completely.
I didn't care, no, couldn't care, where she was living-- whether it was safe or clean.
I couldn't care how she was going to get home from wherever she had gotten herself stranded.
I couldn't care whether she was staying sober or not.
None of it was mine to care about-- it was hers.
I had spent too much time caring about what was going on with HB. It was time to care about myself and the rest of my family.... to care about Willow. I couldn't do both.
Detach.
Now, not everyone understood my position. "You are her mother... You can't just turn your back on her!" "You are all she has."
They had never walked where I had walked. This wasn't about Hannah. Did they not see that? It was about me.... finally.
In order to take care of my family and Wee one like I want to, like I am SUPPOSED to, I had to take care of me. That meant , yes, I'll say it again, DETACHING.
I did not disown her. She is my daughter, and she will always be my daughter. What I did disown was her life. Now when she was younger, her life was in my hands. She was my responsibility.
She is not a little girl anymore.
She is responsible for her own life, and for each choice she makes in it. I understand it when I say it, and I am reminded again when I write it, but it doesn't mean that I don't have moments of guilt feeling like I have turned my back on her.
And, just in case you are still wondering, I haven't.
What I have done is turned around to look at what I have neglected for so long... the road forward... and I am not letting her keep me from it any more...
It just so happens that she is behind me. My hope is that someday she will be walking that same road moving forward with me, but that is up to her, not me.
She will always know where to find me...praying for her, loving her, and on the path moving forward.
I dropped her off at treatment yesterday and they gave me a copy of this poem. This sums up what I shared above.
I guess maybe I didn't detach or disown... I just "Let Go."
TO LET GO...
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace.
-- Author Unknown
Photo courtesy of: www.freedigitalphotos.net
