Sh sh should we?

People think she is older than she is-- 
partly because she is a little tall for her age, but mostly because of how smart she is.  

I know what you are thinking: 
"Every Grandparent thinks their grandchild is a genius!"  
You are right, they do.  BUT Wee one is one of the smartest little people I have ever met!  I know there are way more gifted babes out there in the world, but like I said…I have never met one.  Seriously.  

One of the things that makes her abnormal is the fact that she understands, and has understood, concepts that I should be trying to teach her. For example: hot vs. warm vs. cold.  She knows the difference.  
She will even say, "this is a little too hot, can we make it warm?"  
She knows up from down, in from out.
She can draw W's, make circles, and put her own shoes on.
She uses full sentences.  The longest I have counted was around 12 words!

Crazy stuff  for a wee one that isn't even 2 yet! 

Don't get me wrong, she isn't one of those kids that can recite all 50 states, or that knows every letter of the alphabet.  
And she doesn't always say exactly what she means, for example (These are a few of my favorites…)

'Should we take her boots off now?'  (Meaning, "Should we take my boots off now?"  Everything is "Should we."  I love it!  
'Should we take a bath now?'
'Should we go outside now?'  LOVE IT!  
                                            She is soooo cute!

It was so sad to listen to her (but so stinking adorable, too!) recently when she went from using just a few words in a sentence to the longer sentences.  
She would stutter as the first word or two came out as she was trying to put the rest of the sentence together in her head….
 

"Should, should, should, should we read a book now?"
"I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not go to bed yet."  

Her little eyes close and her head tilts to the side as she repeats the first word over and over AND THEN she opens her eyes and finishes her sentence.
                                                   OH MY GOSH!
At first I was concerned that this might be a speech problem, so I watched her closely and figured out that it was just the jump in the number of words she was trying to spit out.  Her little mouth wasn't ready to keep up with her brain! The stuttering lasted for a few weeks and then slowly disappeared, showing up just occasionally now.

I don't take any credit for how advanced Wee one is other than the fact that we do read to her A LOT, and we have never been big on baby talk.
We just talk to her like we would talk to each other.

It actually kind of scares me that she is so bright.  
Her Momma was almost as advanced as her at this age.  
BM (Birth Momma…Remember?) said her first word at 6 months old that wasn't momma or dada- it was bear.  That's not the amazing part- the amazing part was that she KNEW WHAT A BEAR WAS! We would show her different things and she wouldn't respond, show her the bear and she would get excited and say "Bear!  Bear!'  (Yes, we actually have it video taped and have had to show people that this story is true)

BM was talking in short sentences at 1, just like Wee one.  
The scary thing is that BM tested as MENSA level gifted when she was older- 
but how'd that work out for her?  
                                 Not good so far.  
She has always thought that she was soo much smarter than everyone else; her parents, her teachers, her doctors. 

Soooo… I will just share with you how smart I think Wee one is (and not let her read this blog.) I will just keep telling her how loving and kind she is, and keep the focus on her heart… 

Resources, Links and Helpful Insights

RESOURCES , LINKS, AND HELPFUL INSIGHTS

I am a research freak.  When we first got physical custody of Willow I started researching every possible thing I coud about Grandparents raising Grandchildren. At first it was the legal aspect.  It was so hard not having legal custody, knowing that at anytime one of her birth parents, neither sober nor sane at the time, could come in and just take her away.

Now that we have full legal custody my searches have changed.
I am very concerned with the emotional and psychological issues associated with grandparents raising grandchildren.  
Believe it or not, I have found there is very little 

information on this topic.

I want to know the best way to help Wee One feel loved and secure.
I want to know how to explain to her why  she is being raised by us instead of BM and BF.
I want to do everything I can to give this little love 

every advantagefor a happy and productive life.

So.... Hopefully some of these will make your research a little easier.
I wish there was more beneficial information here, but it is a start.

I will continue to post what I find that might be of 
interest or of help to someone. 

Hey!  Did you know...
More than 1 million grandparents are taking on the responsibility of raising their grandchildren?  You may feel like you are alone in this journey-- but you are not!! We need to support and encourage each other!

SITES FOR GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDKIDS

• STATE FACT SHEETS - AARPEach state fact sheet includes state-specific data and helpful links such as:
  -Census Data
  -Local programs and resources
  -Foster care policies and Services
  -Public benefits and financial assistance
  -State laws 

• GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDCHILDREN BY KAREN WRIGHT
  Karen also has a blog Grandparentingblog.com She has a ton of information for grands raising their grandkids, as well as some great stories and links.

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What Would I Have Done Differently? (Part One...)

Raising a baby at this time in my life has made me ask that question a lot.

AND THE ANSWER IS...(Drum roll, please!):   
A few BIG things sprinkled with a lot of little things.   

When we bring a child into the world we aren't given a manual, a step-by-step checklist, or a written plan on how to turn that helpless, precious baby into a productive, positive, faith filled adult.  

And if we were given the luxury of such a plan, each child's would be significantly different,  because that's the way God made us-- all different.  (Why, Oh Why, couldn't it be simple??) 

Having raised all of our kids so far into their teenage years I am able to look back and see the positive (and sometimes negative) results of my parenting choices. 

I don't have enough time, nor enough courage, to lay it all out right here and now, but this is what I will share...

I would take care of ME more.  
Now I know that sounds self-centered, and you are thinking, How could that possibly make life better for a child you are raising?  Let me tell you- It makes life better for everyone!

In the process of taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of me.  

Selfless, loving, giving...  All of the things I thought I was being.  Exhausted, impatient, and sometimes bitter were what I had become.
  

What do I mean by taking care of me?  I mean taking time for myself...time to exercise, time to be alone, time to be with friends, time (and money) to get my hair or nails done... I always put myself last.  
Isn't that what any good Mom would do?  
                      Nope.  I know that now.

The healthier I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally- the better Mom I am.  This doesn't mean that I spend most of my day at the spa or at the gym.  
It means that I TRY to schedule time for me....sometimes...instead of never.

Expect More.   
I guess you could say I felt sorry for my kids.  I mean, they watched their Dad battle brain cancer for 5 years, only to lose him at a young age.  Throw some ADD, Anxiety, and Learning Disabilities into the mix and, well, it left me wanting to make life easier for them sometimes.  

BAD MISTAKE.

If our parents have high expectations for us that are placed with love, we tend grow into them.  If our parents have low expectations of us,  we tend to settle for good enough.   At times I set my expectations for my kids too low, mostly because I didn't want them to ever feel like they had failed me, or that they weren't good enough.  

I wish in more situations I had pushed them to not just settle for good enough, but instead to push the limit.

That's all the confession you get from me today! I take comfort in knowing that God knew my heart during those years, as He still does now, and that I did and continue to place my children at His feet through prayer.  We all do the best we can based on what we know.  

Oh, if I only knew then 
                                   what I think I know now... 

nishe...

What she is trying to say is "Nice."

Willow went through a stage where when someone got in her space, she would hit their face. 

Although I didn't think it was okay, I completely understood.
   

You have to understand we have a houseful of teens-- teens that think that Wee one is adorable, so adorable in fact that they can't help but constantly kiss her little cheeks.

Being a baby of very little words, she couldn't say, "Could you please just leave me alone?  You are in my space!"  So instead she would just look at them and give them a smack in the face. 

Some learned faster than others to ask Wee one for a kiss, others had to endure many smacks before catching on. 

When Willow would smack one of the love seekers, 
we would gently grab her hand and brush their cheek and say, "nice, nice..."    
                     Well, that didn't work. 

Eventually we ended up just putting her down and walking away when she hit.  She quickly realized that she didn't like that and the hitting subsided, and her groupies soon figured out that they could ask Willow for a kiss and every once in awhile she would     grant
                                                                               their
                                                                                  wish. 

Today Wee one wasn't feeling well because she has a few of her molars coming in
-OUCH!-
             and she was C-R-A-N-K-Y!  

It was both sad and adorable as she occasionally freaked out and shoved her hands into her mouth in  pain (sad part) and then she would immediately take her hands and rub her cheeks and say "nishe, nishe..."  (adorable part.) I am so proud of you Willow Bee.  

You are filled with so much love and you are very nishe.

Not a Baby Anymore

"Where, Oh Where, has my sweet baby gone?
                                        Oh where, Oh where could she be?"

Okay, so I can't sing very well but I really want an answer to that question!  
I have been reminded over and over the last few days how fast these baby and toddler days fly by.

Recently I was going through photos and I noticed that just a few months ago Wee One had short baby hair, now she wears her hair in two pony tails that actually look like ponytails! 

Instead of just one word and pointing to let me know what she wants she puts together a few words and takes my hand to show me if she can't make me understand.

Last night Boyfriend took Wee One to the park-- just the two of them because Grammie needed a little break.  When they got back I asked Willow if she had fun.  I was amazed when she smiled at me, nodded her head yes, and told me "fun, swing!"   Yes, I cried.
  

Silly, I know, but it was just another sign that baby days have flown.

I have been mad at myself for not keeping better tabs on all of the exciting  firsts in Wee Ones life.    I won't continue making that mistake.

Every day with this sweet little one is a blessing and I don't want to forget a minute of it.  Thank you, God.

Detached...not Disowned.

I have really struggled with the personal line I have had to draw with my daughter in order to take myself to a healthier place.

The last 5 1/2 years with her have taken me through every possible emotion a person can have, 
          from guilt and sadness, 
                         to anger and resentment.  
I was not only mentally exhausted, but physically and psychologically spent.

I couldn't sleep at night because I was either up worrying about her or I was up "dealing" with her and whatever situation she had gotten herself into.  
Even when I would finally fall asleep, my last thought would be of her and as soon as my eyes started to open, my first thoughts...of her.  

All of this not only took it's toll on me, but on my family. 
You know that old saying, 
        "If Momma aint happy, aint nobody happy?"            
Well, it's true.  
Not only did my family have to deal with everything my daughter brought to the table, but they had to deal with me as well.  I fell into a depression.  
My body ached, my head hurt, and my heart was broken.  

When I look back now I can see that I was grieving.

I had  dealt with the loss of my late husband of 14 years, so I was no stranger to grief.  I just didn't realize it when I was in the middle of it with HB.  
You see, I was grieving the loss of my baby girl.  
Not only once, but over 
                             and over.  
Every time she showed up with bruises all over her body, hand prints on her neck...every time she disappeared for days at a time, I grieved.  

Every time she stole from us or lied to us, 
every time I saw her making positive choices and then sabotage herself, I grieved.  
Hope, then disappointment.... over and over again.  

The fact that she was so young when all of this started made a huge impact in how we handled things.  You can't turn your back on a 14 year old.  You do everything you can to help them until you realize there is nothing else you can do-- That they are old enough to make their own choices. 

There was a moment for me when I realized that I had hit that spot.  I had nothing left to give- Physically, emotionally, mentally and financially I was empty.

Every time we did something for HB, hoping that it would help take her forward, she only continued to move backward.  
(Lesson learned after way too many "somethings!")  

I wasn't even able to listen to her anymore.  
Every time she opened her mouth I expected a lie to come out.  
I couldn't look at her, either.  
Every time I had to be in the same room with her, I felt sick to my stomach.  The emotions that welled up inside of me were so intense, so overwhelming that I actually got 
                               physically ill.  
And then to top it all off, I felt guilty because i actually felt like this around my own daughter. 

The only way I could survive was to detach.  
Completely.  
I didn't care, no, couldn't care, where she was living-- whether it was safe or clean.  
I couldn't care how she was going to get home from wherever she had gotten herself stranded.  
I couldn't care whether she was staying sober or not.  
None of it was  mine to care about-- it was hers.  
I had spent too much time caring about what was going on with HB.   It was time to care about myself and the rest of my family.... to care about Willow.  I couldn't do both.
  
Detach.  

Now, not everyone understood my position.  "You are her mother... You can't just turn your back on her!"  "You are all she has."  
They had never walked where I had walked.  This wasn't about Hannah.  Did they not see that?  It was about me.... finally.  
In order to take care of my family and Wee one like I want to, like I am SUPPOSED to, I had to take care of me.  That meant , yes, I'll say it again, DETACHING.

I did not disown her.  She is my daughter, and she will always be my daughter.  What I did disown was her life.  Now when she was younger, her life was in my hands.  She was my responsibility.  
        She is not a little girl anymore.  
She is responsible for her own life, and for each choice she makes in it.  I understand it when I say it, and I am reminded again when I write it, but it doesn't mean that I don't have moments of guilt feeling like I have turned my back on her. 
And, just in case you are still wondering, I haven't.

What I have done is turned around to look at what I have neglected for so long... the road forward... and I am not letting her keep me from it any more...  
It just so happens that she is behind me.  My hope is that someday she will be walking that same road moving forward with me, but that is up to her, not me.  
She will always know where to find me...praying for her, loving her, and on the path moving forward.

I dropped her off at treatment yesterday and they gave me a copy of this poem.  This sums up what I shared above.  
I guess maybe I didn't detach or disown... I just "Let Go."

TO LET GO...
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
       and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace.
 -- Author Unknown


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