A Dying Father's Words for His Children

I have been very emotional lately-- With our oldest being in Ecuador and worrying about her safety, Kenzie graduating from High School (YAY!!), TK getting ready to get his drivers license…

There are times in my life when I think about Keith, my late husband, more than others.  I love Mark, and I love my family, but that doesn't mean my mind and heart don't take me back…through all of the  big events that Keith has missed in his kids lives, and all of the little events that he has missed too.  (I like to believe that he hasn't really  missed them, but observed them from a distance!)

I pulled out an old journal recently and the entry seems appropriate to share today - Father's Day.

A little background before I start… at the time I wrote this, Keith was in the end stages of his life, and in and out of reality.  He was barely aware of his surroundings, and there were very few times that he was alert at all.  That's what made this morning such an amazing one, and the words that came from his mouth and heart the greatest blessing.

June 6, 2001

Keith awoke this morning looking so alert and "alive."  After I got the girls off to school I went in to sit with him - in the midst of the unreal;  we are in a half built cabin- raccoons are all over.  He thinks they are under the bed and in the walls and wants to figure out how to get them out.  The reality leaps out through the cracks of the cabin at me.  He misses his Dad.  He cries.  He doesn't want the kids to use his death as an excuse for failure in their lives.  He said that he was going to write a letter to them, telling them that.  I told him he should do it right then and that I would help him.  I went and got a pen and some paper and he began to speak what was in his heart - things he wanted to make sure his kids knew.  With such clarity he spoke. I haven't heard him talk like that in so long.

(This is what he dictated to me word for word without stopping.  I still have the sheets of notebook paper with the words scribbled as quickly as he spoke them…)

A Note of Encouragement

Simply me.... Just pondering life.

As I am lying in bed, feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and just plain under the weather, my phone tweets letting me know I have just received a new text.
              Yes, my phone tweets.
It's the only notification sound that doesn't scare the other baby in the house-- our 125 lb Bernese Mountain Dog.  (Plus it is Spring...a tweet seemed appropriate!)

Here is what the text read:

"Theresa, what u are doing RIGHT NOW, with Willow and this season of life, is so pleasing to God. It is not a waste of time or energy. It is precious to Him. Your self sacrifice has not gone unseen nor will it go unrewarded. I just felt like God wanted me to tell you that."

I have been in , well, kind of a state of confusion lately. (Shhhh to those of you saying, "Just lately?!)   I've been trying to figure out where God wants me and what he wants me to be doing.

I touched on the subject here…  Yes, I know we are doing everything we should be doing when it comes to Willow.  We are blessed to have her in our lives!

It goes beyond that…

You see, I ran my own promotional product distribution/marketing business for over 10 years.  I loved it!  I loved it until all of the trouble started with HB (Wee One's BM)
                                She took all of my
                                time and energy.
(And this was all BW…..Before Willow.)  About 4 years ago we made the decision for me to quit my business.  It wasn't that we were giving up a lot of money,   because I wasn't a Fortune 500 company or anything,
                                                 but I did give up
                                                 a part of myself.

It was an outlet for me to be creative, to be social, to be productive outside of my home.
When I quit I made the decision that I was going to go back to school to pursue graphic design-
which I had taught myself, and used to run my business, but didn't have a degree in, and then ...
I was going to get a really cool job doing really cool stuff, and Boyfriend and I would take lots of vacations with the massive amounts of money I was making...
Then along came Willow.

"On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same.'

Because there had never been
anyone like you...
ever in the world."

I firmly believed that I needed to be home while my kids were little.  My convictions haven't changed.

I know that I need to be home with Willow,
loving her, teaching her, caring for her.
No one can do that like a momma can…or in this case, me.**

Why is it so hard to NOT worry about what I could be doing and focus on what I AM doing?

I know that is what God wants from me.  
I know that is where i find my peace.  
I also know that I will forget all of that in a few days and start asking those questions again.

So, dear friend, Thank you.
Thank you for listening to God and for sharing your words of encouragement with me today.  "God is pleased with me… really?"  I pray so.  I will continue to seek His will, not only in my tomorrows, but in what I am doing today.

Simply about me.

This…..

is me.

a bit about me & why I blog.

To put it simply...I am here sharing bits of my life, hoping to touch yours.

From dealing with being abused as a child, being a young widow with four small children, getting remarried and becoming  mom to a blended crew of 7, dealing with a wayward child, to being a way too young grammie raising her grandchild…  I’ve experienced a lot in my life.  I believe that using our past as an excuse for anything is wrong.  I know that without the hope that I have in God, and the love that He has shown me, I would be lost.  I believe God has a plan for each of us, and although I wouldn't choose to relive everything that has happened in my life, I believe God can use me to help others because of my journey.

The main focus of this blog is described below, but I am sure to share bits and pieces on everything from the practical and insightful to the fun 
    and frolicky 

stuff of everyday life.

so why am I writing this blog? well…

Because I have always had the perspective that I didn’t need to know why I have had to go through the uncomfortable things in my life as long as thru them I could reach out and help another.

Okay.  That isn’t the only reason.  I need you, too.

Being a relatively hip, cool, and young (43 years young!) Grammie who is raising her granddaughter, I started seeking out information and support online only to find there was very little out there. I did find, however, that about 1 in 10 children are being raised by at least one grandparent!

Our beautiful little one is 28 months old. I was there at her birth, and she has been with us pretty much ever since that day…but more on that later! Wee little Willow brings so much joy to our lives that it is hard to imagine wanting life to be different, but we would. We would want her to be at home with a healthy Mom (And Dad), and then have plenty of play dates and fun time with Grammie and Papa. But that wasn’t the plan. Nope.

How come nothing ever goes according to plan?  Well, at least not according to my plan.

So while raising seven of our own kids, and just three years away from being empty nesters, we are starting the parenting journey from the Wee Willow beginning. 

I would call that a bitter-sweet blessing, but a blessing nonetheless!

So here  I am.…starting this journey called blogging to share my thoughts, stories, and my life with you all.

What would we be doing now?

I hate asking myself that question because I feel so guilty doing so.  but i do.  

There are nights when all of the older kids have gone out with their friends and Boyfriend and I are just sitting around watching Wee One play.  

Our youngest is 15 years old, 

                                 our oldest 23.  

Our children are out on the town, our friends are out on the town, 

                                                                                                                        and here we sit.

Don't get me wrong - we LOVE the time we  spend with Wee One, 
       it's just that, 
             well,     I wonder…

Would we be out having a fancy dinner, just the two of us, planning our next vacation?

Would we be out with some friends listening to some great jazz band we've wanted to see?

Would we be taking a romantic walk under the stars, reminiscing about where we've been and dreaming about where we want to be?

You see, we've done our time.  We were (and still are!) great parents.  Our lives revolved around our kids-(I know you are thinking, well, that was dumb! It's not healthy for a relationship to have your focus be your children!)
                  but when you raise 7 kids…some with special needs…
then you can tell me   
           HOW TO NOT 
have your life revolve around your children.

  

Sometimes we had up to 10 soccer practices a week to transport to and from, 5 games a weekend, 
    and really, can you even imagine tournaments??  
I literally had to map out who went where when and make sure boyfriend and I each had a copy of the list so we could drop off, pick up, drop off again… and hopefully remember to pick up our little athletes!  
                      It was wonderful.  Seriously.  
We loved living the life we lived, with just a few exceptions. 

Add in other after school activities, church, youth group, and such to the mix and our lives were beyond full.  We would often joke about the time when our kids would be grown and you would still be able to find us at the sidelines of the local soccer field,            cheering on the the kids. 

Our dreams for when our kids got older weren't large, 
                                                        they were just peaceful.  
A few trips here and there, being able to cook a nice meal together while sipping a glass of wine (stopping to slow dance when our favorite songs came on), 
being able to give more of our time and energy volunteering 
in our community and church.  

          simple.  lovely.  nice.

Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we have embraced it.  We will still have our trips, we will just be bringing along a toddler (WHAT A LUCKY KID!!),
we will still cook our meals and 
       dance our dances, but we will have a wee one dancing with us.
Our time volunteering will include an extra little helper… learning to give even at this wee young age.  What a great way for a kid to grow up…. Don't you think?  

And as for me wondering what we would be doing right now?  
Well, I'll just keep reminding myself that we are doing exactly what we would be…just with three of us instead of two.

What Would I Have Done Differently? (Part One...)

Raising a baby at this time in my life has made me ask that question a lot.

AND THE ANSWER IS...(Drum roll, please!):   
A few BIG things sprinkled with a lot of little things.   

When we bring a child into the world we aren't given a manual, a step-by-step checklist, or a written plan on how to turn that helpless, precious baby into a productive, positive, faith filled adult.  

And if we were given the luxury of such a plan, each child's would be significantly different,  because that's the way God made us-- all different.  (Why, Oh Why, couldn't it be simple??) 

Having raised all of our kids so far into their teenage years I am able to look back and see the positive (and sometimes negative) results of my parenting choices. 

I don't have enough time, nor enough courage, to lay it all out right here and now, but this is what I will share...

I would take care of ME more.  
Now I know that sounds self-centered, and you are thinking, How could that possibly make life better for a child you are raising?  Let me tell you- It makes life better for everyone!

In the process of taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of me.  

Selfless, loving, giving...  All of the things I thought I was being.  Exhausted, impatient, and sometimes bitter were what I had become.
  

What do I mean by taking care of me?  I mean taking time for myself...time to exercise, time to be alone, time to be with friends, time (and money) to get my hair or nails done... I always put myself last.  
Isn't that what any good Mom would do?  
                      Nope.  I know that now.

The healthier I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally- the better Mom I am.  This doesn't mean that I spend most of my day at the spa or at the gym.  
It means that I TRY to schedule time for me....sometimes...instead of never.

Expect More.   
I guess you could say I felt sorry for my kids.  I mean, they watched their Dad battle brain cancer for 5 years, only to lose him at a young age.  Throw some ADD, Anxiety, and Learning Disabilities into the mix and, well, it left me wanting to make life easier for them sometimes.  

BAD MISTAKE.

If our parents have high expectations for us that are placed with love, we tend grow into them.  If our parents have low expectations of us,  we tend to settle for good enough.   At times I set my expectations for my kids too low, mostly because I didn't want them to ever feel like they had failed me, or that they weren't good enough.  

I wish in more situations I had pushed them to not just settle for good enough, but instead to push the limit.

That's all the confession you get from me today! I take comfort in knowing that God knew my heart during those years, as He still does now, and that I did and continue to place my children at His feet through prayer.  We all do the best we can based on what we know.  

Oh, if I only knew then 
                                   what I think I know now... 

peace of pizza - a wee bit.

Rocking her to sleep at night, I often sing the song "The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you, and give you peace, and give you peace forever."  The other night while rocking and singing this to her, her eyes are closed as she's drinking her bottle and drifting off to sleep, I get to the verse "...and give you peace, and give you peace for...." Her eyes pop open and she pulls her bottle from her mouth, "Piece!  Piece a pizza!  Piece a pizza!"  Yes, Willow.  "... and give you peace, and give you pi-ece of pi-zza."  (20 months old)

Bittersweet

I can barely keep from having a complete breakdown this morning.  My heart is breaking for the St. Germain family.  Their son, Spencer, died this morning.  Spencer is the same age as my son.

There are so many parts to this story that bring me to tears-- The fact that Spencer is the same age as my son, the fact that his parents must feel a void that will never, ever be able to be filled, and the fact that Spencer had a twin sister.  The thing about twins is that although they each hold their own identity, they are also thought of as "one." 

I keep picturing them looking at their family photos from the past, and then picturing future family photos... always a void.  Always a missing smile and a bittersweet moment.  

              I know this feeling.  

The feeling that you are so thankful for those you have surrounding you in that photo, but it never will feel complete because of the one that is missing.

You see, I have experienced a similar loss.... My husband of 14 years died of brain cancer 10 years ago, leaving me to have my family photo taken surrounded by our four beautiful children that I was so thankful for, and the bittersweet pain that only a heart that has lost like that can taste.  

My son went to visit Spencer this past week in the hospital.  He and Spencer had know each other for a long time, but were never especially close.  For some reason, Spencer had requested that Tanner come and see him.  

I was so proud of my son.  

It was hard for him to see Spencer, who was barely able to open his eyes, and he wasn't sure that Spencer even knew that he was there.  

But Tanner knew.  

He knew he did the right thing by going, and even though he lost his Dad, he can hardly remember those times because he was so young, so this was truly the first real time he saw that this earthly life is not endless.  

A powerful message to a 16 year old boy that is in the midst of having to make all of those tough choices that a teenager must make.  

I remember all of the silly, unthoughtful things that people said to me when my husband was dying.  I'm sure their intentions were good, but their words were not always.  

For example, there was the lady that told me that I must have sin in my life that is keeping God from hearing my prayers about healing my husband.  

Or the people, yes, I said PEOPLE, that mentioned that thankfully I was still young enough to find someone else.... but the one that really stuck with me was the woman that said, "Well, at least it isn't one of your children that is dying."  I remember being completely appalled by her comment, thinking that i would choose neither, and how dare she compare one with the other.  

In the moment, she was wrong, but now I see she was right.  You become one when you are married, but you are still 100% your own being.  Your child though.... Your child is a piece of you...  yes, 100% their own being as well, but still made from you, and because of you.  Where do you find peace in this?  The loss of a child you love so much?  That you have given life to?  Only one place... Only from one hand...only from God.  

Spencer had peace knowing where he was going.  His biggest fear was for those that he left behind.  I don't know the St. Germain's, but I do know they love God.   Now that doesn't make the loss they will feel any less, and it won't make it any easier.  They will be angry, they will be sad, and they will question why.... but hopefully they will always come back to the same place that I did.... that I still do....to the peace that can only come from God.

Philippians 4:7    "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

I pray for that peace for their family today, and for all of those that knew and loved Spencer.  God Bless You.

Image courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net

Detached...not Disowned.

I have really struggled with the personal line I have had to draw with my daughter in order to take myself to a healthier place.

The last 5 1/2 years with her have taken me through every possible emotion a person can have, 
          from guilt and sadness, 
                         to anger and resentment.  
I was not only mentally exhausted, but physically and psychologically spent.

I couldn't sleep at night because I was either up worrying about her or I was up "dealing" with her and whatever situation she had gotten herself into.  
Even when I would finally fall asleep, my last thought would be of her and as soon as my eyes started to open, my first thoughts...of her.  

All of this not only took it's toll on me, but on my family. 
You know that old saying, 
        "If Momma aint happy, aint nobody happy?"            
Well, it's true.  
Not only did my family have to deal with everything my daughter brought to the table, but they had to deal with me as well.  I fell into a depression.  
My body ached, my head hurt, and my heart was broken.  

When I look back now I can see that I was grieving.

I had  dealt with the loss of my late husband of 14 years, so I was no stranger to grief.  I just didn't realize it when I was in the middle of it with HB.  
You see, I was grieving the loss of my baby girl.  
Not only once, but over 
                             and over.  
Every time she showed up with bruises all over her body, hand prints on her neck...every time she disappeared for days at a time, I grieved.  

Every time she stole from us or lied to us, 
every time I saw her making positive choices and then sabotage herself, I grieved.  
Hope, then disappointment.... over and over again.  

The fact that she was so young when all of this started made a huge impact in how we handled things.  You can't turn your back on a 14 year old.  You do everything you can to help them until you realize there is nothing else you can do-- That they are old enough to make their own choices. 

There was a moment for me when I realized that I had hit that spot.  I had nothing left to give- Physically, emotionally, mentally and financially I was empty.

Every time we did something for HB, hoping that it would help take her forward, she only continued to move backward.  
(Lesson learned after way too many "somethings!")  

I wasn't even able to listen to her anymore.  
Every time she opened her mouth I expected a lie to come out.  
I couldn't look at her, either.  
Every time I had to be in the same room with her, I felt sick to my stomach.  The emotions that welled up inside of me were so intense, so overwhelming that I actually got 
                               physically ill.  
And then to top it all off, I felt guilty because i actually felt like this around my own daughter. 

The only way I could survive was to detach.  
Completely.  
I didn't care, no, couldn't care, where she was living-- whether it was safe or clean.  
I couldn't care how she was going to get home from wherever she had gotten herself stranded.  
I couldn't care whether she was staying sober or not.  
None of it was  mine to care about-- it was hers.  
I had spent too much time caring about what was going on with HB.   It was time to care about myself and the rest of my family.... to care about Willow.  I couldn't do both.
  
Detach.  

Now, not everyone understood my position.  "You are her mother... You can't just turn your back on her!"  "You are all she has."  
They had never walked where I had walked.  This wasn't about Hannah.  Did they not see that?  It was about me.... finally.  
In order to take care of my family and Wee one like I want to, like I am SUPPOSED to, I had to take care of me.  That meant , yes, I'll say it again, DETACHING.

I did not disown her.  She is my daughter, and she will always be my daughter.  What I did disown was her life.  Now when she was younger, her life was in my hands.  She was my responsibility.  
        She is not a little girl anymore.  
She is responsible for her own life, and for each choice she makes in it.  I understand it when I say it, and I am reminded again when I write it, but it doesn't mean that I don't have moments of guilt feeling like I have turned my back on her. 
And, just in case you are still wondering, I haven't.

What I have done is turned around to look at what I have neglected for so long... the road forward... and I am not letting her keep me from it any more...  
It just so happens that she is behind me.  My hope is that someday she will be walking that same road moving forward with me, but that is up to her, not me.  
She will always know where to find me...praying for her, loving her, and on the path moving forward.

I dropped her off at treatment yesterday and they gave me a copy of this poem.  This sums up what I shared above.  
I guess maybe I didn't detach or disown... I just "Let Go."

TO LET GO...
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
   it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
   it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
   but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
   the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
   it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
   but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
   but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
   but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
   but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
   it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
   but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
   but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
   but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
   but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
   but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
       and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace.
 -- Author Unknown


Photo courtesy of: www.freedigitalphotos.net

Getting it Write

I used to love to write.  I would write all of the time.  
Having a never resting, 
                whirlwind mind 
it helped me find peace.... and helped capture those    
                             flittering    
thoughts and give them direction, or at least a place.  

Then I had kids, and I wrote a little less.  
Oh, I still loved writing, so of course, I lived through them and I would make them write (One of the privileges of homeschooling!)  while I cleaned the house and did the laundry.  Then after they were all in bed I would sneak in some pen and paper time before my head would hit the pillow.

At a later time... four kids, a husband with cancer later...
I found that my head would hit the pillow before my pen could hit the paper.  
But that couldn't stop me....
                              or my never resting, whirlwind mind and
                                                                    flittering
                                                                         thoughts.  
Nope! I would lie awake in bed, unable to move from total exhaustion, and I would write....In my head.  
I would pray that the next day I could remember what I had written and actual write it.  
                             I usually didn't.  

Time flew and life got busier, and eventually I quit writing all together.  
Not in box, not with a fox, 
           not in my head, not in my bed.  

Fast forward thru many birthdays...soccer games...band concerts...grocery shopping...cooking...loads of laundry....loads and loads of laundry...life.....annnnd stop.  
                                                               You are HERE.  

I write because I hope I have something to share with you, something that can encourage you or help you.... 
Maybe something that will make you a think differently 
         or 
             smile more.  

I write because I still have that whirlwind mind and those flittering thoughts.  

I write because it helps take some of what I have bottled up inside of me and  
       releases it onto the paper (Or in this case, the computer screen....but that doesn't sound quite so poetic, does it?)

I write because, in a maybe just because I want it so bad kind of way, it is what I was made to do.

All of that to say.... 
Don't expect correct grammar or perfect spelling.  
Don't expect that I will follow any rules or even make any sense.  As a matter of fact, let's consider it a bonus if I do!  
Don't expect me to be good.  
Do expect me to be real.  
Do expect me to be honest.  
Do expect me to love the fact that I am writing, for you, for me, for my God.  


(Do you think God speaks to us?  He does to me. My verse of the day a few days ago, when i was wondering if I should do this blog or not...
"Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.  Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."  1 Chronicles 16:24 )