A Dying Father's Words for His Children

I have been very emotional lately-- With our oldest being in Ecuador and worrying about her safety, Kenzie graduating from High School (YAY!!), TK getting ready to get his drivers license…

There are times in my life when I think about Keith, my late husband, more than others.  I love Mark, and I love my family, but that doesn't mean my mind and heart don't take me back…through all of the  big events that Keith has missed in his kids lives, and all of the little events that he has missed too.  (I like to believe that he hasn't really  missed them, but observed them from a distance!)

I pulled out an old journal recently and the entry seems appropriate to share today - Father's Day.

A little background before I start… at the time I wrote this, Keith was in the end stages of his life, and in and out of reality.  He was barely aware of his surroundings, and there were very few times that he was alert at all.  That's what made this morning such an amazing one, and the words that came from his mouth and heart the greatest blessing.

June 6, 2001

Keith awoke this morning looking so alert and "alive."  After I got the girls off to school I went in to sit with him - in the midst of the unreal;  we are in a half built cabin- raccoons are all over.  He thinks they are under the bed and in the walls and wants to figure out how to get them out.  The reality leaps out through the cracks of the cabin at me.  He misses his Dad.  He cries.  He doesn't want the kids to use his death as an excuse for failure in their lives.  He said that he was going to write a letter to them, telling them that.  I told him he should do it right then and that I would help him.  I went and got a pen and some paper and he began to speak what was in his heart - things he wanted to make sure his kids knew.  With such clarity he spoke. I haven't heard him talk like that in so long.

(This is what he dictated to me word for word without stopping.  I still have the sheets of notebook paper with the words scribbled as quickly as he spoke them…)

A Note of Encouragement

Simply me.... Just pondering life.

As I am lying in bed, feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and just plain under the weather, my phone tweets letting me know I have just received a new text.
              Yes, my phone tweets.
It's the only notification sound that doesn't scare the other baby in the house-- our 125 lb Bernese Mountain Dog.  (Plus it is Spring...a tweet seemed appropriate!)

Here is what the text read:

"Theresa, what u are doing RIGHT NOW, with Willow and this season of life, is so pleasing to God. It is not a waste of time or energy. It is precious to Him. Your self sacrifice has not gone unseen nor will it go unrewarded. I just felt like God wanted me to tell you that."

I have been in , well, kind of a state of confusion lately. (Shhhh to those of you saying, "Just lately?!)   I've been trying to figure out where God wants me and what he wants me to be doing.

I touched on the subject here…  Yes, I know we are doing everything we should be doing when it comes to Willow.  We are blessed to have her in our lives!

It goes beyond that…

You see, I ran my own promotional product distribution/marketing business for over 10 years.  I loved it!  I loved it until all of the trouble started with HB (Wee One's BM)
                                She took all of my
                                time and energy.
(And this was all BW…..Before Willow.)  About 4 years ago we made the decision for me to quit my business.  It wasn't that we were giving up a lot of money,   because I wasn't a Fortune 500 company or anything,
                                                 but I did give up
                                                 a part of myself.

It was an outlet for me to be creative, to be social, to be productive outside of my home.
When I quit I made the decision that I was going to go back to school to pursue graphic design-
which I had taught myself, and used to run my business, but didn't have a degree in, and then ...
I was going to get a really cool job doing really cool stuff, and Boyfriend and I would take lots of vacations with the massive amounts of money I was making...
Then along came Willow.

"On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same.'

Because there had never been
anyone like you...
ever in the world."

I firmly believed that I needed to be home while my kids were little.  My convictions haven't changed.

I know that I need to be home with Willow,
loving her, teaching her, caring for her.
No one can do that like a momma can…or in this case, me.**

Why is it so hard to NOT worry about what I could be doing and focus on what I AM doing?

I know that is what God wants from me.  
I know that is where i find my peace.  
I also know that I will forget all of that in a few days and start asking those questions again.

So, dear friend, Thank you.
Thank you for listening to God and for sharing your words of encouragement with me today.  "God is pleased with me… really?"  I pray so.  I will continue to seek His will, not only in my tomorrows, but in what I am doing today.

Simply about me.

This…..

is me.

a bit about me & why I blog.

To put it simply...I am here sharing bits of my life, hoping to touch yours.

From dealing with being abused as a child, being a young widow with four small children, getting remarried and becoming  mom to a blended crew of 7, dealing with a wayward child, to being a way too young grammie raising her grandchild…  I’ve experienced a lot in my life.  I believe that using our past as an excuse for anything is wrong.  I know that without the hope that I have in God, and the love that He has shown me, I would be lost.  I believe God has a plan for each of us, and although I wouldn't choose to relive everything that has happened in my life, I believe God can use me to help others because of my journey.

The main focus of this blog is described below, but I am sure to share bits and pieces on everything from the practical and insightful to the fun 
    and frolicky 

stuff of everyday life.

so why am I writing this blog? well…

Because I have always had the perspective that I didn’t need to know why I have had to go through the uncomfortable things in my life as long as thru them I could reach out and help another.

Okay.  That isn’t the only reason.  I need you, too.

Being a relatively hip, cool, and young (43 years young!) Grammie who is raising her granddaughter, I started seeking out information and support online only to find there was very little out there. I did find, however, that about 1 in 10 children are being raised by at least one grandparent!

Our beautiful little one is 28 months old. I was there at her birth, and she has been with us pretty much ever since that day…but more on that later! Wee little Willow brings so much joy to our lives that it is hard to imagine wanting life to be different, but we would. We would want her to be at home with a healthy Mom (And Dad), and then have plenty of play dates and fun time with Grammie and Papa. But that wasn’t the plan. Nope.

How come nothing ever goes according to plan?  Well, at least not according to my plan.

So while raising seven of our own kids, and just three years away from being empty nesters, we are starting the parenting journey from the Wee Willow beginning. 

I would call that a bitter-sweet blessing, but a blessing nonetheless!

So here  I am.…starting this journey called blogging to share my thoughts, stories, and my life with you all.

What Would I Have Done Differently? (Part One...)

Raising a baby at this time in my life has made me ask that question a lot.

AND THE ANSWER IS...(Drum roll, please!):   
A few BIG things sprinkled with a lot of little things.   

When we bring a child into the world we aren't given a manual, a step-by-step checklist, or a written plan on how to turn that helpless, precious baby into a productive, positive, faith filled adult.  

And if we were given the luxury of such a plan, each child's would be significantly different,  because that's the way God made us-- all different.  (Why, Oh Why, couldn't it be simple??) 

Having raised all of our kids so far into their teenage years I am able to look back and see the positive (and sometimes negative) results of my parenting choices. 

I don't have enough time, nor enough courage, to lay it all out right here and now, but this is what I will share...

I would take care of ME more.  
Now I know that sounds self-centered, and you are thinking, How could that possibly make life better for a child you are raising?  Let me tell you- It makes life better for everyone!

In the process of taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of me.  

Selfless, loving, giving...  All of the things I thought I was being.  Exhausted, impatient, and sometimes bitter were what I had become.
  

What do I mean by taking care of me?  I mean taking time for myself...time to exercise, time to be alone, time to be with friends, time (and money) to get my hair or nails done... I always put myself last.  
Isn't that what any good Mom would do?  
                      Nope.  I know that now.

The healthier I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally- the better Mom I am.  This doesn't mean that I spend most of my day at the spa or at the gym.  
It means that I TRY to schedule time for me....sometimes...instead of never.

Expect More.   
I guess you could say I felt sorry for my kids.  I mean, they watched their Dad battle brain cancer for 5 years, only to lose him at a young age.  Throw some ADD, Anxiety, and Learning Disabilities into the mix and, well, it left me wanting to make life easier for them sometimes.  

BAD MISTAKE.

If our parents have high expectations for us that are placed with love, we tend grow into them.  If our parents have low expectations of us,  we tend to settle for good enough.   At times I set my expectations for my kids too low, mostly because I didn't want them to ever feel like they had failed me, or that they weren't good enough.  

I wish in more situations I had pushed them to not just settle for good enough, but instead to push the limit.

That's all the confession you get from me today! I take comfort in knowing that God knew my heart during those years, as He still does now, and that I did and continue to place my children at His feet through prayer.  We all do the best we can based on what we know.  

Oh, if I only knew then 
                                   what I think I know now... 

peace of pizza - a wee bit.

Rocking her to sleep at night, I often sing the song "The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you, and give you peace, and give you peace forever."  The other night while rocking and singing this to her, her eyes are closed as she's drinking her bottle and drifting off to sleep, I get to the verse "...and give you peace, and give you peace for...." Her eyes pop open and she pulls her bottle from her mouth, "Piece!  Piece a pizza!  Piece a pizza!"  Yes, Willow.  "... and give you peace, and give you pi-ece of pi-zza."  (20 months old)

Bittersweet

I can barely keep from having a complete breakdown this morning.  My heart is breaking for the St. Germain family.  Their son, Spencer, died this morning.  Spencer is the same age as my son.

There are so many parts to this story that bring me to tears-- The fact that Spencer is the same age as my son, the fact that his parents must feel a void that will never, ever be able to be filled, and the fact that Spencer had a twin sister.  The thing about twins is that although they each hold their own identity, they are also thought of as "one." 

I keep picturing them looking at their family photos from the past, and then picturing future family photos... always a void.  Always a missing smile and a bittersweet moment.  

              I know this feeling.  

The feeling that you are so thankful for those you have surrounding you in that photo, but it never will feel complete because of the one that is missing.

You see, I have experienced a similar loss.... My husband of 14 years died of brain cancer 10 years ago, leaving me to have my family photo taken surrounded by our four beautiful children that I was so thankful for, and the bittersweet pain that only a heart that has lost like that can taste.  

My son went to visit Spencer this past week in the hospital.  He and Spencer had know each other for a long time, but were never especially close.  For some reason, Spencer had requested that Tanner come and see him.  

I was so proud of my son.  

It was hard for him to see Spencer, who was barely able to open his eyes, and he wasn't sure that Spencer even knew that he was there.  

But Tanner knew.  

He knew he did the right thing by going, and even though he lost his Dad, he can hardly remember those times because he was so young, so this was truly the first real time he saw that this earthly life is not endless.  

A powerful message to a 16 year old boy that is in the midst of having to make all of those tough choices that a teenager must make.  

I remember all of the silly, unthoughtful things that people said to me when my husband was dying.  I'm sure their intentions were good, but their words were not always.  

For example, there was the lady that told me that I must have sin in my life that is keeping God from hearing my prayers about healing my husband.  

Or the people, yes, I said PEOPLE, that mentioned that thankfully I was still young enough to find someone else.... but the one that really stuck with me was the woman that said, "Well, at least it isn't one of your children that is dying."  I remember being completely appalled by her comment, thinking that i would choose neither, and how dare she compare one with the other.  

In the moment, she was wrong, but now I see she was right.  You become one when you are married, but you are still 100% your own being.  Your child though.... Your child is a piece of you...  yes, 100% their own being as well, but still made from you, and because of you.  Where do you find peace in this?  The loss of a child you love so much?  That you have given life to?  Only one place... Only from one hand...only from God.  

Spencer had peace knowing where he was going.  His biggest fear was for those that he left behind.  I don't know the St. Germain's, but I do know they love God.   Now that doesn't make the loss they will feel any less, and it won't make it any easier.  They will be angry, they will be sad, and they will question why.... but hopefully they will always come back to the same place that I did.... that I still do....to the peace that can only come from God.

Philippians 4:7    "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

I pray for that peace for their family today, and for all of those that knew and loved Spencer.  God Bless You.

Image courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net

Getting it Write

I used to love to write.  I would write all of the time.  
Having a never resting, 
                whirlwind mind 
it helped me find peace.... and helped capture those    
                             flittering    
thoughts and give them direction, or at least a place.  

Then I had kids, and I wrote a little less.  
Oh, I still loved writing, so of course, I lived through them and I would make them write (One of the privileges of homeschooling!)  while I cleaned the house and did the laundry.  Then after they were all in bed I would sneak in some pen and paper time before my head would hit the pillow.

At a later time... four kids, a husband with cancer later...
I found that my head would hit the pillow before my pen could hit the paper.  
But that couldn't stop me....
                              or my never resting, whirlwind mind and
                                                                    flittering
                                                                         thoughts.  
Nope! I would lie awake in bed, unable to move from total exhaustion, and I would write....In my head.  
I would pray that the next day I could remember what I had written and actual write it.  
                             I usually didn't.  

Time flew and life got busier, and eventually I quit writing all together.  
Not in box, not with a fox, 
           not in my head, not in my bed.  

Fast forward thru many birthdays...soccer games...band concerts...grocery shopping...cooking...loads of laundry....loads and loads of laundry...life.....annnnd stop.  
                                                               You are HERE.  

I write because I hope I have something to share with you, something that can encourage you or help you.... 
Maybe something that will make you a think differently 
         or 
             smile more.  

I write because I still have that whirlwind mind and those flittering thoughts.  

I write because it helps take some of what I have bottled up inside of me and  
       releases it onto the paper (Or in this case, the computer screen....but that doesn't sound quite so poetic, does it?)

I write because, in a maybe just because I want it so bad kind of way, it is what I was made to do.

All of that to say.... 
Don't expect correct grammar or perfect spelling.  
Don't expect that I will follow any rules or even make any sense.  As a matter of fact, let's consider it a bonus if I do!  
Don't expect me to be good.  
Do expect me to be real.  
Do expect me to be honest.  
Do expect me to love the fact that I am writing, for you, for me, for my God.  


(Do you think God speaks to us?  He does to me. My verse of the day a few days ago, when i was wondering if I should do this blog or not...
"Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.  Tell everyone about the amazing things he does."  1 Chronicles 16:24 )

Where are you God?

Willow's first time on the Merry-go-Round!

I am a Christian.   I have been for over 20 years.  I have asked God so many times in this journey where He was.  "Help me, God!  I am so overwhelmed with anger, pain, and fear...I can't see you, hear you, or feel you!"  Then He gently reminds me. 

Wee one looks at me with those big brown eyes, letting me know she feels safe and loved, as I rock her to sleep.  "Yes, God.  I see you."  Rolling around on the carpet, tickling wee one as she giggles and giggles.  "Okay, God...I hear you."  Outside, wee one puts up her hand and grabs my finger.   We walk together with the wind blowing through our hair, the sun shining on our faces, finger in hand, and there is peace.  "Yes, God.  I feel you."

When I am focused on myself, I can't see, hear, or feel God as I long to.  When I focus on the situation we are in, rather than living in the moment, I am lost, and continue to move in circles,   
                                                 going nowhere,   
because I can't see where I am going.  How is that fair to Willow?  How is that fair to the rest of my family?  It isn't. 

I will choose joy.  I will choose peace.  I will choose love.  

Unfortunately, I forget what the right choice is sometimes and start moving in those circles again, 

       round and round, guilt and anger, 

              round and round, fear and pain... until I am so 

                                                                               dizzy 

                                                                                 I fall down.  

That is when I reach my hands up and always find Him waiting for me.