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| Keith with our four children after brain surgery. |
No matter how deep you bury it, it never completely goes away.
I'm not talking about the memories of the person, I'm talking about the memories of the cancer.
Jess and i went to see a movie last night titled 50/50.
It started off a little uncomfortably with some foul language and uncomfortable scenes, but then it got really good.
We laughed, we cried... then we cried some more.
Jessie and I were some of the last to be sitting in the theater after the movie ended, both of us with our eyes still wet, staring straight ahead at the screen.
Keith is often in my thoughts. When I look at one of the kids and see his smile, when I look at Tanner and he is raising his eyebrows just like his dad used to... When I have flashes into the past that a photo, a place, or a song has sparked. These are the good thoughts, the good memories...the ones that make you warm, and happy.
Some of the scenes in the movie made me feel like I was right back in the moment... Sitting with Keith when we found out that he had cancer.
The way the
world starts spinning,
and the words being spoken become muted.
The way you walk through your days in a fog, barely feeling, yet feeling it all. And I wasn't the one with cancer- I was just the one who loved the one with cancer.
My whole world started spinning again as I watched this movie.
The shaving of the head because having some control over when he lost his hair mattered, the time over the toilet after chemo...wishing there was something I could do to help take away the pain, to take away the sickness...the times when the doctor said, "The treatment isn't working...the cancer is spreading." These are the bad moments-- the memories you try to bury.
You can't explain that feeling to someone who has never experienced it, and you hope they will never know what you don't want to,
or can't,
explain.
It is a place you wish you could forget that you had been, but you never, ever can. Especially when you watch movies like this.
I still wonder if it is a good thing or a bad thing to bring those memories to the surface. Maybe they help me remember how precious life is, how precious the time with my loved ones is. Or maybe they just take me back to a place I never wanted to visit in the first place... either way, it's time to bury it all again for now...It's just easier that way.
