little lady - a wee bit.

Auntie DoDo calls Willow Little Lady.  The other afternoon Willow is eating her snack and decides to share with Mac, our Bernese Mountain Dog.  Mac gets a little excited and nips a little too hard when grabbing his snack from Willow, so Willow says, "No Mac! No hurt Little Lady!"  (21 months old)

The Feel of Cancer

Keith with our four children after brain surgery.

No matter how deep you bury it, it never completely goes away.  

I'm not talking about the memories of the person, I'm talking about the memories of the cancer.  

Jess and i went to see a movie last night titled 50/50.  

It started off a little uncomfortably with some foul language and uncomfortable scenes, but then it got really good.  

We laughed, we cried... then we cried some more.

Jessie and I were some of the last to be sitting in the theater after the movie ended, both of us with our eyes still wet, staring straight ahead at the screen.

  

Keith is often in my thoughts.  When I look at one of the kids and see his smile, when I look at Tanner and he is raising his eyebrows just like his dad used to... When I have flashes into the past that  a photo, a place, or a song has sparked.  These are the good thoughts, the good memories...the ones that make you warm, and happy.

Some of the scenes in the movie made me feel like I was right back in the moment... Sitting with Keith when we found out that he had cancer.   

The way the 

                world starts spinning, 

and the words being spoken become muted.

  

The way you walk through your days in a fog, barely feeling, yet feeling it all. And I wasn't the one with cancer- I was just the one who loved the one with cancer.  

My whole world started spinning again as I watched this movie.  

The shaving of the head because having some control over when he lost his hair mattered, the time over the toilet after chemo...wishing there was something I could do to help take away the pain, to take away the sickness...the times when the doctor said, "The treatment isn't working...the cancer is spreading."  These are the bad moments-- the memories you try to bury.

  

You can't explain that feeling to someone who has never experienced it, and you hope they will never know what you don't want to, 

       or can't, 

explain.  

It is a place you wish you could forget that you had been, but you never, ever can.  Especially when you watch movies like this.

I still wonder if it is a good thing or a bad thing to bring those memories to the surface.  Maybe they help me remember how precious life is, how precious the time with my loved ones is.  Or maybe they just take me back to a place I never wanted to visit in the first place... either way, it's time to bury it all again for now...It's just easier that way.

---

What Would I Have Done Differently? (Part One...)

Raising a baby at this time in my life has made me ask that question a lot.

AND THE ANSWER IS...(Drum roll, please!):   
A few BIG things sprinkled with a lot of little things.   

When we bring a child into the world we aren't given a manual, a step-by-step checklist, or a written plan on how to turn that helpless, precious baby into a productive, positive, faith filled adult.  

And if we were given the luxury of such a plan, each child's would be significantly different,  because that's the way God made us-- all different.  (Why, Oh Why, couldn't it be simple??) 

Having raised all of our kids so far into their teenage years I am able to look back and see the positive (and sometimes negative) results of my parenting choices. 

I don't have enough time, nor enough courage, to lay it all out right here and now, but this is what I will share...

I would take care of ME more.  
Now I know that sounds self-centered, and you are thinking, How could that possibly make life better for a child you are raising?  Let me tell you- It makes life better for everyone!

In the process of taking care of my family, I forgot to take care of me.  

Selfless, loving, giving...  All of the things I thought I was being.  Exhausted, impatient, and sometimes bitter were what I had become.
  

What do I mean by taking care of me?  I mean taking time for myself...time to exercise, time to be alone, time to be with friends, time (and money) to get my hair or nails done... I always put myself last.  
Isn't that what any good Mom would do?  
                      Nope.  I know that now.

The healthier I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally- the better Mom I am.  This doesn't mean that I spend most of my day at the spa or at the gym.  
It means that I TRY to schedule time for me....sometimes...instead of never.

Expect More.   
I guess you could say I felt sorry for my kids.  I mean, they watched their Dad battle brain cancer for 5 years, only to lose him at a young age.  Throw some ADD, Anxiety, and Learning Disabilities into the mix and, well, it left me wanting to make life easier for them sometimes.  

BAD MISTAKE.

If our parents have high expectations for us that are placed with love, we tend grow into them.  If our parents have low expectations of us,  we tend to settle for good enough.   At times I set my expectations for my kids too low, mostly because I didn't want them to ever feel like they had failed me, or that they weren't good enough.  

I wish in more situations I had pushed them to not just settle for good enough, but instead to push the limit.

That's all the confession you get from me today! I take comfort in knowing that God knew my heart during those years, as He still does now, and that I did and continue to place my children at His feet through prayer.  We all do the best we can based on what we know.  

Oh, if I only knew then 
                                   what I think I know now... 

peace of pizza - a wee bit.

Rocking her to sleep at night, I often sing the song "The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you, and give you peace, and give you peace forever."  The other night while rocking and singing this to her, her eyes are closed as she's drinking her bottle and drifting off to sleep, I get to the verse "...and give you peace, and give you peace for...." Her eyes pop open and she pulls her bottle from her mouth, "Piece!  Piece a pizza!  Piece a pizza!"  Yes, Willow.  "... and give you peace, and give you pi-ece of pi-zza."  (20 months old)

A new room for wee one.

I know.... It's been a long time since i've checked in.  I've been busy! 
Boyfriend has been in Japan on a business trip for the last three weeks (And i am missing him like crazy!!)

so...I have been busy finishing up some projects around here- like Willow's room!  

What do you think?  

So I already shared the bedding with you (Thanks Chella and Brian!) that the room was designed around.

I started by painting the walls soft yellow and green, matching the bedding.  
I then started painting the tree.  
This was A LOT harder than I thought it would be...that is until I decided I was making it too hard!  
Yep, I was trying to make it perfect, 
but after I just relaxed and let my creative energy flowww, It turned out great!
  

I was going to cut out leaves from scrapbook paper for the tree, but on a trip to my local Kohls I found these cool wall decals that had not only leaves that matched perfectly, but some ADORABLE owls and birds to boot! 

(What does "to boot" mean ?!)  

I hung a little birdhouse, and I must say it adds just the right touch to the adorableness!

I put a brown beanbag chair and a basket of books
              at the bottom of the tree,
                 you know, for those times when she just feels like                       sitting under a tree                              
       and reading a book :)

Next was an idea I got from Family Fun.  
A clothesline to hold Wee One's cute little hats and coats!  
I just painted the posts and the line, added a bird from the Kohl's find, and a few drawer pulls for hooks!  

Cute, cute, cute!

   

Add the growth chart and mobile I made for Willow's first birthday...

      

and some special items, like the bird painting her BM (Bio Momma) painted and a chest that my late husband made
for me, and we have a room that Wee One LOVES! 

       

I have a few small (But too cute not to share!) projects to do before I consider the room done.  Stay tuned for more!