Bittersweet


I can barely keep from having a complete breakdown this morning.  My heart is breaking for the St. Germain family.  Their son, Spencer, died this morning.  Spencer is the same age as my son.

There are so many parts to this story that bring me to tears-- The fact that Spencer is the same age as my son, the fact that his parents must feel a void that will never, ever be able to be filled, and the fact that Spencer had a twin sister.  The thing about twins is that although they each hold their own identity, they are also thought of as "one." 
I keep picturing them looking at their family photos from the past, and then picturing future family photos... always a void.  Always a missing smile and a bittersweet moment.  
              I know this feeling.  
The feeling that you are so thankful for those you have surrounding you in that photo, but it never will feel complete because of the one that is missing.

You see, I have experienced a similar loss.... My husband of 14 years died of brain cancer 10 years ago, leaving me to have my family photo taken surrounded by our four beautiful children that I was so thankful for, and the bittersweet pain that only a heart that has lost like that can taste.  

My son went to visit Spencer this past week in the hospital.  He and Spencer had know each other for a long time, but were never especially close.  For some reason, Spencer had requested that Tanner come and see him.  
I was so proud of my son.  
It was hard for him to see Spencer, who was barely able to open his eyes, and he wasn't sure that Spencer even knew that he was there.  

But Tanner knew.  
He knew he did the right thing by going, and even though he lost his Dad, he can hardly remember those times because he was so young, so this was truly the first real time he saw that this earthly life is not endless.  
A powerful message to a 16 year old boy that is in the midst of having to make all of those tough choices that a teenager must make.  

I remember all of the silly, unthoughtful things that people said to me when my husband was dying.  I'm sure their intentions were good, but their words were not always.  

For example, there was the lady that told me that I must have sin in my life that is keeping God from hearing my prayers about healing my husband.  

Or the people, yes, I said PEOPLE, that mentioned that thankfully I was still young enough to find someone else.... but the one that really stuck with me was the woman that said, "Well, at least it isn't one of your children that is dying."  I remember being completely appalled by her comment, thinking that i would choose neither, and how dare she compare one with the other.  

In the moment, she was wrong, but now I see she was right.  You become one when you are married, but you are still 100% your own being.  Your child though.... Your child is a piece of you...  yes, 100% their own being as well, but still made from you, and because of you.  Where do you find peace in this?  The loss of a child you love so much?  That you have given life to?  Only one place... Only from one hand...only from God.  
Spencer had peace knowing where he was going.  His biggest fear was for those that he left behind.  I don't know the St. Germain's, but I do know they love God.   Now that doesn't make the loss they will feel any less, and it won't make it any easier.  They will be angry, they will be sad, and they will question why.... but hopefully they will always come back to the same place that I did.... that I still do....to the peace that can only come from God.

Philippians 4:7    "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

I pray for that peace for their family today, and for all of those that knew and loved Spencer.  God Bless You.


Image courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net

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