Bittersweet

I can barely keep from having a complete breakdown this morning.  My heart is breaking for the St. Germain family.  Their son, Spencer, died this morning.  Spencer is the same age as my son.

There are so many parts to this story that bring me to tears-- The fact that Spencer is the same age as my son, the fact that his parents must feel a void that will never, ever be able to be filled, and the fact that Spencer had a twin sister.  The thing about twins is that although they each hold their own identity, they are also thought of as "one." 

I keep picturing them looking at their family photos from the past, and then picturing future family photos... always a void.  Always a missing smile and a bittersweet moment.  

              I know this feeling.  

The feeling that you are so thankful for those you have surrounding you in that photo, but it never will feel complete because of the one that is missing.

You see, I have experienced a similar loss.... My husband of 14 years died of brain cancer 10 years ago, leaving me to have my family photo taken surrounded by our four beautiful children that I was so thankful for, and the bittersweet pain that only a heart that has lost like that can taste.  

My son went to visit Spencer this past week in the hospital.  He and Spencer had know each other for a long time, but were never especially close.  For some reason, Spencer had requested that Tanner come and see him.  

I was so proud of my son.  

It was hard for him to see Spencer, who was barely able to open his eyes, and he wasn't sure that Spencer even knew that he was there.  

But Tanner knew.  

He knew he did the right thing by going, and even though he lost his Dad, he can hardly remember those times because he was so young, so this was truly the first real time he saw that this earthly life is not endless.  

A powerful message to a 16 year old boy that is in the midst of having to make all of those tough choices that a teenager must make.  

I remember all of the silly, unthoughtful things that people said to me when my husband was dying.  I'm sure their intentions were good, but their words were not always.  

For example, there was the lady that told me that I must have sin in my life that is keeping God from hearing my prayers about healing my husband.  

Or the people, yes, I said PEOPLE, that mentioned that thankfully I was still young enough to find someone else.... but the one that really stuck with me was the woman that said, "Well, at least it isn't one of your children that is dying."  I remember being completely appalled by her comment, thinking that i would choose neither, and how dare she compare one with the other.  

In the moment, she was wrong, but now I see she was right.  You become one when you are married, but you are still 100% your own being.  Your child though.... Your child is a piece of you...  yes, 100% their own being as well, but still made from you, and because of you.  Where do you find peace in this?  The loss of a child you love so much?  That you have given life to?  Only one place... Only from one hand...only from God.  

Spencer had peace knowing where he was going.  His biggest fear was for those that he left behind.  I don't know the St. Germain's, but I do know they love God.   Now that doesn't make the loss they will feel any less, and it won't make it any easier.  They will be angry, they will be sad, and they will question why.... but hopefully they will always come back to the same place that I did.... that I still do....to the peace that can only come from God.

Philippians 4:7    "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

I pray for that peace for their family today, and for all of those that knew and loved Spencer.  God Bless You.

Image courtesy of : freedigitalphotos.net

nishe...

What she is trying to say is "Nice."

Willow went through a stage where when someone got in her space, she would hit their face. 

Although I didn't think it was okay, I completely understood.
   

You have to understand we have a houseful of teens-- teens that think that Wee one is adorable, so adorable in fact that they can't help but constantly kiss her little cheeks.

Being a baby of very little words, she couldn't say, "Could you please just leave me alone?  You are in my space!"  So instead she would just look at them and give them a smack in the face. 

Some learned faster than others to ask Wee one for a kiss, others had to endure many smacks before catching on. 

When Willow would smack one of the love seekers, 
we would gently grab her hand and brush their cheek and say, "nice, nice..."    
                     Well, that didn't work. 

Eventually we ended up just putting her down and walking away when she hit.  She quickly realized that she didn't like that and the hitting subsided, and her groupies soon figured out that they could ask Willow for a kiss and every once in awhile she would     grant
                                                                               their
                                                                                  wish. 

Today Wee one wasn't feeling well because she has a few of her molars coming in
-OUCH!-
             and she was C-R-A-N-K-Y!  

It was both sad and adorable as she occasionally freaked out and shoved her hands into her mouth in  pain (sad part) and then she would immediately take her hands and rub her cheeks and say "nishe, nishe..."  (adorable part.) I am so proud of you Willow Bee.  

You are filled with so much love and you are very nishe.

On the Night You Were Born

Tonight we were driving home after a visit with Hannah.  The crescent moon was low on the horizon and was bright and beautiful.  Willow immediately pointed it out.

Every time the moon was hidden behind some trees she would say,
"Where'd she go?"  
Then when it popped back out from behind them she would excitedly say 
"There she is!" 

The moon looked so low in the sky that she would keep saying, "Uh Oh.  Fall Down."  "Oh, Boy!  Fall Down!"  and point at the moon. (cuteness.)

  

Her eyes would be looking out the window at the moon 
and we would hear in a little whisper, "Willow, Willow..."   
It wasn't until I was in bed thinking about the day that it hit me what you were doing!  
We often read the book, On The Night You Were Born, by Nancy Tillman.  

Throughout the story, we whisper her name, 
                                                     "Willow, Willow..."   

You are precious, Willow.  
Even the moon knows your name.

Not a Baby Anymore

"Where, Oh Where, has my sweet baby gone?
                                        Oh where, Oh where could she be?"

Okay, so I can't sing very well but I really want an answer to that question!  
I have been reminded over and over the last few days how fast these baby and toddler days fly by.

Recently I was going through photos and I noticed that just a few months ago Wee One had short baby hair, now she wears her hair in two pony tails that actually look like ponytails! 

Instead of just one word and pointing to let me know what she wants she puts together a few words and takes my hand to show me if she can't make me understand.

Last night Boyfriend took Wee One to the park-- just the two of them because Grammie needed a little break.  When they got back I asked Willow if she had fun.  I was amazed when she smiled at me, nodded her head yes, and told me "fun, swing!"   Yes, I cried.
  

Silly, I know, but it was just another sign that baby days have flown.

I have been mad at myself for not keeping better tabs on all of the exciting  firsts in Wee Ones life.    I won't continue making that mistake.

Every day with this sweet little one is a blessing and I don't want to forget a minute of it.  Thank you, God.

Go Away!- a wee bit.

A little kid at the park today told you to go away.  All day you have been saying randomly..."go away"  sadly :(  (16 months old)